Ursa Major funny stuff

with thanks and appreciation for whoever wrote these. unfortunately we cannot take credit ourselves, much as we'd like to.

What Dogs Wonder About

Dear God; Why do humans smell the flowers, but not one another? Where are their priorities?

Dear God; When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? or is it the same old story?

Dear God; Why are cars named for eagles, cougars, horses and rabbits but not dogs? How often do you see an eagle riding around? We dogs love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the 'Chrysler Eagle' the 'Chrysler Beagle'?

Dear God; If a dog barks in the forest and no human hears her, is she still a bad dog?

Dear God; Are there dogs on other planets or are we alone? I have been howling at the moon and stars for a long time, but all I ever hear back is the Schnauzer across the street.

Dear God; Are there mailmen in heaven? If so, will I have to apologize?

Dear God; We dogs can understand human verbal instruction, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scents, electromagnetic energy fields, and frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand??

Free Dog

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog Free to Good Home."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.
The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the mutt replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift when I was young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift. In no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is floored... but says to the owner, "This dog is amazing., incredible.........Why on earth are you giving him away?"
The owner replies, "He's such a damn liar."

Top 10 Dog Pet-Peeves About Humans

1. Blaming your gas on me.... Not Funny
2. Yelling at me for barking. I am a dog, you idiot.
3. Taking me for a walk then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
4. Any trick balancing food on my nose.... Stop it.
5. Yelling at me for rubbing myself on your carpet. Why did you buy carpet?
6. Getting upset when I sniff crotches of your guests. Sorry but I haven't quite mastered the handshake thing yet...idiot
7. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you are not home.
8. Taking me to the vet for "The big snip," then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back.
9. Dog Sweaters
10. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throws. You fooled a dog! What a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

No one is above suspicion!